All of our lives we are shown perfect mothers. I grew up watching the Brady Bunch, then Growing Pains and Wonder Years. All of these had different kinds of moms but they were all perfect. They were self sacrificing women, full of infinite wisdom and they made all of the right choices for their children. Their homes were spotless, their meals were on time. They balanced everything and still had time to do their hair and makeup. More than anything, I wanted to be one of those moms. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to give them everything, to do things right, to have healthy meals and no dust bunnies. But, reality doesn't work like that.
Today, I am thinking of all of the time that I lost with my kids by trying to be perfect. I had my kids while I was very young and very broke. I tried to spend time at home, cooking good meals, cleaning up after them, watching episodes of Barney and singing ABC songs. But, we were poor and I felt like they deserved so much more.
While they were all tiny, I started college. I spent a lot of hours in class and at home doing homework. We ate a lot of pizza and my house was not clean. I started working weekends so that I could pay a babysitter during the week. There was no way around that. I was sure I was doing the right thing. We'd all sacrifice a little time but they'd have a better life. So, it took me forever but I eventually got that nursing degree. I thought that I'd shown my kids how important an education was, how they can never quit.
Then, we started the next stage. I was a hospital nurse. This means that holidays and weekends don't exist. I worked all that I could so that they had better clothes, better shoes, more things. They had vacations, trips to the theatre, dinner out once or twice a week. These were things they couldn't have had before. But, the sacrifice is that I worked holidays, some birthdays, lots of weekends. And, again, I thought it was the best thing. It meant that I'd be able to help them more as teenagers and adults. I'd be able to buy cars, help with college, loan money when they moved out.
The world has a way of flipping everything over, though. A year or so ago, I got sick. And I got worse and worse. Eventually, I had to stop working. My treatments and surgeries have drained all of those resources that I was saving for my kids. Now, I am home with my kids. I don't miss holidays and birthdays anymore. But, I'm broke again. And I'm not able to do much. They have to watch me suffer, watch me change. They stay behind while I'm in the hospital. They wait with me to see what's next.
So, I'm looking back at all of the good intentions that I had but all of the time I lost. It doesn't mean that I did anything wrong. Or that I did it right. I'm not sure. I guess there is an in between there. I'd give anything, now, though, if I could have those missed days back. I'd give anything to remember, now, how it felt to have my babies sleep in my lap. I wish that I could remember a time when we weren't rushed to the next moment. And, I know its not just me. I guess that this is how the world is now. We are the new Carol Brady's. I can look back, though, and tell you to hold on tighter. Take more pictures. Let your babies sleep with you a little longer. Don't push yourself or them so hard. In the end, it doesn't make everything better. And all of that time can never be reclaimed.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there, no matter what kind you are. Loving them is the important part in the end. Make sure that they know it, no matter how you do it.
